Not a great day today…Like some of you know the roller coaster of some days are better than others is something that it seems I can’t never get used to. My husband has been suffering from bad chronic depression for most of our first marriage, in fact depression is his constant. It hurts to know that you marry someone to make them happy and you literally can’t. The one and only thing that has helped me cope trough all this has been God. As a matter of fact I strongly believe all these struggles have been allowed in my life so I can drop to my knees and surrender to God because I can’t plain do it alone. My husband was the one that brought me to God, and my relationship grew because of him. So when things seem to go down south his distance from God grows longer, which leaves me battling on my own. I describe it as carrying a very heavy rock for both of us and it is just mentally and physically exhausting! One of the things that hurts me the most is when he goes into one of those funks where he doesn’t want to go to church with me. I know my faith should not be shaken because his faith isn’t strong, but it just hurts so bad when I know that if anything with help him is some Jesus in his life. Now I am not crazy I have seen him at his best when he is closest to God, and for those who do not believe and are reading this all I can say is that what I am talking about only make sense when you have experience Gods love and peace. I feel like this post is more of a venting post….but I need to vent and it is important to. We are only human, controlling all these crazy emotions is hard. Specially when your loved one is ill and you can’t just vent and rant like you would with anyone else, because you are still trying to take care of them and protect them from more pain. Is hard when you know they already feel guilty about not feeling the way they should and not being emotionally available like they should. The great advantage I have is that even when I am so upset I can always talk to my husband, and he really tries to listen and understand where I am coming from (I am incredible grateful for that) he apologizes and then I feel guilty… Oh God its so hard sometimes, I don’t like being an emotional wreck but somedays I can’t help it. But even when my faith gets shaken by anger, and not understanding the why, I can always turn to God and he brings me peace in the mist of my storm.
The lessons that I have learned from days like today are:
1- When everything else seems to fail…TRUST GOD with all your heart and soul.
2-Even when they seem emotionally unavailable is important to share your feelings, you are entitled to them and its completely normal to express them. Just learn to communicate with your loved one and make sure things are talked over with respect and love. If you are angry and want to just scream and shout, remove yourself from the situation, calm down, talk it out with someone else, then if appropriate share with your loved one.
3-Don’t sweat the small stuff, some things are better too let go.
4-My most important advice DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL!!! <–very important to never forget this. It is one of the hardest thing to do, but once you get it it will make your life easier.
Bless you all! ❤
Here is my go to song when I am feeling down 🙂