When everything falls apart.

I am not even sure how to being this entry…. I haven’t even had the time or mental ability to make a post. Things have been quite crazy in my household, I have stayed strong and try as hard as I can to stay obedient to God and pray everyday for my husband. I have to admit this task gets harder and harder everyday, not because I don’t believe it works but because I don’t even know what to say to God anymore. My husband at this point has had pretty much every antidepressant in the books, has tried several therapy styles and therapist, has seen multiple doctors, and been hospitalized twice…..  And nothing touches him, he keeps loosing hope and is giving up on ever feeling better. He is not the man I married, just a shadow of what he used to be. With all this his perspective in life has also shifted, and it is greatly affecting our family. Alcohol seems to be the only thing that numbs the pain for a little bit, while he awaits for the day to be over. And as you can all imagine this affects us as a couple, and our relationship is pretty much doomed. We always knew we were very different and I guess before his accident and his emotional spiral down, he was willing to meet me halfway, but not anymore. There are so many things he does that I overlooked because I always have to be conscious that he is ill and that he doesn’t mean this or that. But lately I just wonder until when do certain things become acceptable, like drinking everyday. I am publishing today with sadness in my heart because we are contemplating separation, and it hurts to feel like I’ve given so much to help him and he is pushing me away because he doesn’t want to hurt me, because this is not what I deserve, or because he believes I will never be happy by his side. Maybe he is right but what if he is not, what if not being with me is the last push he needs to completely give up on everything. Or maybe not having the pressure of having someones happiness in his hands takes some pressure off and he can start recovering on his own. I feel like I don’t know anymore, I’ve been living in limbo for such a long time nothing surprises me anymore.

I don’t mean to discourage anyone with my rant, but it is very real and I am sure anyone that has gone trough loving someone with mental illness can relate. In any case I can’t loose hope or faith because without it I would probably be in a very dark place myself.

God bless you all


Dopamine deficiency

Today I decided to write about this because is another thing that my husband suffers from and it greatly affects/causes depression.

What is Dopamine?

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain‘s reward and pleasure centers. Dopamine also helps regulate movement and emotional responses, and it enables us not only to see rewards, but to take action to move toward them. Dopamine deficiency results in Parkinson’s Disease, and people with low dopamine activity may be more prone to addiction. The presence of a certain kind of dopamine receptor is also associated with sensation-seeking people, more commonly known as “risk takers.”

As described in Psychologytoday.com

So pretty much without dopamine you can’t feel joy! No wonder why someone might feel depressed if they physically can’t. I wanted to talk about this because throughout all the years of chronic depression my hubby has suffered from, it wasn’t until 8 months ago or so that his primary care decided to test his neurotransmitters. According to results his dopamine was untraceable, and I felt like oh thats why!!! Well this in his case is just a small part of this puzzle but as I told him “Its not you! its your body”. He is not responsible for this and it must take a huge weight of someone’s shoulders that has been feeling guilty for being this way. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “Hey! why don’t you just make some insulin and get rid of that diabetes”. You can’t! and yet people day after day treat people with depression as if they could just flip the switch and change. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try you can chemically be happy.

So what do you do???? Well that is a good question! There is only one antidepressant that I am familiar with that helps with the dopamine issue and that is Wellbutrin, other than that the diet is very important because you can’t just take dopamine pills. You must give your body the essential building blocks to create it, also lots of exercise. Seems easy right! wrong :/ .The hard part of all this is getting your loved one who is depressed and wants nothing to do with eating healthy and exercise to do these things. How do you motivate them without them feeling pushed? I believe that is the hard part. Not to mention that for some people like my hubby that is just one part of the many other issues he has so getting the medication to work and incorporate all the other things might not really work as fast as we wished. So patience, patience, patience, and lots of prayers for them and you! Because we must always take care of ourselves so we don’t end up being the patient.

Here are some links that might help your research 🙂 any questions or comment please email me!

Bless you all ❤


*I am not a doctor or professional, always talk to your doctor about test and medications. My blogs are a result of my personal experiences.

Having a break down

Not a great day today…Like some of you know the roller coaster of some days are better than others is something that it seems I can’t never get used to. My husband has been suffering from bad chronic depression for most of our first marriage, in fact depression is his constant. It hurts to know that you marry someone to make them happy and you literally can’t. The one and only thing that has helped me cope trough all this has been God. As a matter of fact I strongly believe all these struggles have been allowed in my life so I can drop to my knees and surrender to God because I can’t plain do it alone. My husband was the one that brought me to God, and my relationship grew because of him. So when things seem to go down south his distance from God grows longer, which leaves me battling on my own. I describe it as carrying a very heavy rock for both of us and it is just mentally and physically exhausting!  One of the things that hurts me the most is when he goes into one of those funks where he doesn’t want to go to church with me. I know my faith should not be shaken because his faith isn’t strong, but it just hurts so bad when I know that if anything with help him is some Jesus in his life. Now I am not crazy I have seen him at his best when he is closest to God, and for those who do not believe and are reading this all I can say is that what I am talking about only make sense when you have experience Gods love and peace. I feel like this post is more of a venting post….but I need to vent and it is important to. We are only human, controlling all these crazy emotions is hard. Specially when your loved one is ill and you can’t just vent and rant like you would with anyone else, because you are still trying to take care of them and protect them from more pain. Is hard when you know they already feel guilty about not feeling the way they should and not being emotionally available like they should. The great advantage I have is that even when I am so upset I can always talk to my husband, and he really tries to listen and understand where I am coming from (I am incredible grateful for that) he apologizes and then I feel guilty… Oh God its so hard sometimes, I don’t like being an emotional wreck but somedays I can’t help it. But even when my faith gets shaken by anger, and not understanding the why, I can always turn to God and he brings me peace in the mist of my storm.

The lessons that I have learned from days like today are:

1- When everything else seems to fail…TRUST GOD with all your heart and soul.

2-Even when they seem emotionally unavailable is important to share your feelings, you are entitled to them and its completely normal to express them. Just learn to communicate with your loved one and make sure things are talked over with respect and love. If you are angry and want to just scream and shout, remove yourself from the situation, calm down, talk it out with someone else, then if appropriate share with your loved one.

3-Don’t sweat the small stuff, some things are better too let go.

4-My most important advice DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL!!! <–very important to never forget this. It is one of the hardest thing to do, but once you get it it will make your life easier.

Bless you all! ❤

Here is my go to song when I am feeling down 🙂

The man of my dreams

I met my hubby on an online dating site, we did’t quite hit it off after our first date but after some time we connected again and began dating. I fell for him so quickly he was just so different, he had everything and more that I was looking for in a man. No one had ever treated me so well, he literally swept me of my feet. After a couple months of dating I started to notice something different about my husband. He opened up to me about some of his childhood traumas, depression and anxiety that he had battled trough out his life. He explained to me about his diagnosis and some of the things he struggles with. I am sure he expected me to run away after that, but I didn’t. By then I had fallen in love with him and didn’t want to give up because of his mental illness. I still believe to this day God put him in my life for a reason, and he gave me this crazy, unfailing love for him that I had never felt for anyone else. It was so weird for me to not run away, I did the complete opposite and decided to love him trough this. Not even a month after this revelation on valentines day he decided to break up with me. He used a very silly thing and turned it into a huge ordeal and decided to finished the relationship, I was devastated. I don’t think I had ever cried so much for someone but I did. Three days went by without hearing from him, nothing made sense. He had been so good to me, took me on vacation, bought me things, treated me like a princess. I could not understand how someone could make someone feel so special and then let her go like it was nothing. By Sunday I was still crying trough my sleep, trying to make sense of this situation, then I decided to sent him the video for “Say something by A Great Big World” (Till this day I have a hard time listening to that song), it truly captured my feelings. He called back and apologized, said he missed me and wanted to see me…and my heart jumped :). We met the day after and he told me he loved me for the first time over pizza, and said he was trying to push me away because he was a mess. I told him no one had truly loved him trough this and I wanted to do it. We continued dating and things were so good! Our kids got along great, we did a lot of fun this together, we ate out in a lot of nice places, and I started going to church with him. This was just perfect for me I was in cloud nine:). Little by little I started to understand him more, and tried to give him space when he needed it. It really became a learning experience for me, I new this would be a roller coaster ride but I was ready to jump on. I loved him so much and wanted to spend my life with him. His mental illness was what you could call “under control” trough out this period (or at least it looked like it was). My husband is the kind of person that you would never even guess that has anything wrong with him. He is brilliant, has a masters, an executive position in his company, so well put together, beautiful kids, nice cars, motorcycles…you name it, he was the epitome of a successful man. On top of that he is such a gentleman, truly treated me like a princess, opened doors, planned surprises, pretty much everything I ever wanted in a man and he was mine! I hope trough this story you can all begin to understand why I fell in love with this man and why I would do anything for his happiness. I will continue this story in my next blog but for now let me just tell you two things I have learned:

1-Although you might think your love will fix him, it won’t. The only love that can fix anything is God’s love, it doesn’t matter how hard you try. That was my biggest misconception, thinking that my love was going to change his situation (not true).

2-If your loved one tells you about their mental illness, don’t criticize, judge, or try to make it better. They need someone that listens, that shows them compassion, and  understanding. Even if you have no idea is better to not say anything and hug them, because saying the wrong thing can break their trust completely. Also educate yourself on their condition as much as you can, if you have never suffered from mental illness you will never begin to understand the darkness and loneliness. The best thing you can do is do some research and find support groups that can help you cope and understand.

Any questions, comments please email me :), and please remember I am not a professional writer and will make mistakes (corrections welcome).

Thank you for reading and God bless you all!

Where do I begin…

My husband suffers from mental illness and trough this journey with him I have learned a lot. The most important and unfortunate thing I have learned is that there is not a lot of support for both the patient and the families of those who suffer. I wish to be able to help other wives and/or family members to gain some understanding and know that they are not alone. I am by no means a professional (or a wonderful writer for that matter), but I do have the deep desire to share and pray that I am able to help someone else trough my experiences, also to be able to learn from others who go trough the same situation as mine.  Loving and supporting someone with mental illness can be very difficult, exhausting, and at times lonely but I have learned the importance of taking care of ourselves first before we can help our loved ones. As much as we would like our love for them won’t fix them, but showing love and compassion can make all the difference to them. I will begin to post more about my story shortly, I am looking forward to this new blogging journey.

Bless you all 😉