I am not even sure how to being this entry…. I haven’t even had the time or mental ability to make a post. Things have been quite crazy in my household, I have stayed strong and try as hard as I can to stay obedient to God and pray everyday for my husband. I have to admit this task gets harder and harder everyday, not because I don’t believe it works but because I don’t even know what to say to God anymore. My husband at this point has had pretty much every antidepressant in the books, has tried several therapy styles and therapist, has seen multiple doctors, and been hospitalized twice….. And nothing touches him, he keeps loosing hope and is giving up on ever feeling better. He is not the man I married, just a shadow of what he used to be. With all this his perspective in life has also shifted, and it is greatly affecting our family. Alcohol seems to be the only thing that numbs the pain for a little bit, while he awaits for the day to be over. And as you can all imagine this affects us as a couple, and our relationship is pretty much doomed. We always knew we were very different and I guess before his accident and his emotional spiral down, he was willing to meet me halfway, but not anymore. There are so many things he does that I overlooked because I always have to be conscious that he is ill and that he doesn’t mean this or that. But lately I just wonder until when do certain things become acceptable, like drinking everyday. I am publishing today with sadness in my heart because we are contemplating separation, and it hurts to feel like I’ve given so much to help him and he is pushing me away because he doesn’t want to hurt me, because this is not what I deserve, or because he believes I will never be happy by his side. Maybe he is right but what if he is not, what if not being with me is the last push he needs to completely give up on everything. Or maybe not having the pressure of having someones happiness in his hands takes some pressure off and he can start recovering on his own. I feel like I don’t know anymore, I’ve been living in limbo for such a long time nothing surprises me anymore.
I don’t mean to discourage anyone with my rant, but it is very real and I am sure anyone that has gone trough loving someone with mental illness can relate. In any case I can’t loose hope or faith because without it I would probably be in a very dark place myself.
God bless you all